So this is the message I got at 5:11AM:
Vijay,
I am afraid that I have some bad news for you.
The scan done today shows a Hematoma (internal bleeding) in the sac.
The CRL - Crown Rump Length- is 2 cm and the GA - Gestational Age- is 8 weeks 4 days.
But there is no heart beat seen. I have attached the report.
This can happen if there are some random chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus.
Please speak to Dr for the next steps.
I got this news early in the morning while I was lying in the bed. People talk about a heavy heart, but that is exactly how I felt like a super heavy heart. I could feel every heart beat of mine while I was lying down. I tried to go back to bed, but it was useless. I got up and went downstairs and started answering emails and watching TV.
I would have loved to just hide out for a few days, but the problem is that so many people come to see me everyday, it is impossible to hide out at all. I just went to work, then I got so busy I forgot about everything.
It is now 10:11PM and I am sitting at work and decided that I have to tell the bad news just like I tell the good news.
What does this loss feel like?
What should I do next?
What does this loss feel like? I am unsure, yes, I could feel like I had suffered some kind of loss, but what I am unsure. I had such a heavy heart in the morning. What I mean by heavy is that I felt some kind of heaviness in my chest and a sense of loss. To what degree, I am unsure. I was never that emotional or overtly expressive, so you will never see me express too much emotions, I guess I would be terrible to live with, since you never really tell if I was happy or sad.
What should I do next? I am 47 years old. I make a lot of money. But it is really fair to keep using science just to make me feel emotionally fulfilled. I think it is rather unkind to bring someone into this world, when I likely will not be there very long to take care of them. But then the fighter in me says, try twice as hard as before. Go for broke. I did send an email to do just that, but I am reflecting, I really really do not think that it is fair.
Am I being treated unfairly by God? My guess is no way, what is unfair is that I have wasted my life by not trying hard enough. I had more then enough talent to succeed at whatever I wanted but I was just plain lazy and never really tried hard enough at whatever I choose to do. So I do not blame God at all for my failures, I blame myself.
But you know the funny thing in life, it all comes back down to the basics. If I had kept healthy and fit, all the other problems would have solved themselves. Really, that is what it really comes down to. Solve the first problem, then no diabetes, or it would have been delayed a long time, without the Diabetes I would have had normal sperm and would have had children long back, and on and on and on. The real story of my life is very basic. Get fit and healthy and all the rest of the events would have fallen in place. You fail at that, then you are bound by circumstances to take a different path.
Just because I make a lot of money does not mean that I am a success. In fact I would venture to say that I am currently an abject failure. I would love to go and hide out for a year, but the problem is that I have much too much responsibility towards my students and business partners and I need to keep working for their success.
