Happiness is such an elusive concept. There were times of great happiness in my life and I am sure on the surface I should be happy. So then the questions come to mind, when was I happy? what made me happy? who made me happy?
I guess we need to start the question of why am I unhappy now.
The main reason is my unhappiness with myself. I am self-destructive in my own health. The underlying cause of everything almost always comes back to this. I would say that 90% of my unhappiness comes back to this.
I enjoy going home to my daughter, except for her, I do not like going home. I do not find it a place of laughter, enjoyment and peace. A lot of times when I am unhappy, I am simply quiet and stay to myself.
Then we need to answer the question of what makes me happy.
I am unsure what actually makes me happy. I can point to the times of great happiness and the happiest moments in my life were when I was in Bangalore.
I used to love just hanging out with Srinu, Bindu, Sunand or any number of other friends that I had.
I would like to say that I am happy playing cards with my friends, but I cannot. In the back of my mind I am wondering why the hell am I wasting time. I should read a book instead, or do something more productive.
So I am unsure where to move forward from this point, so that I can get back to point of happiness and contentment. A starting point will be to quit my job, so on Dec 31st will be my last day of work. I was planning on traveling the world for a few years and living in different parts of the world, but I am starting to wonder if this so wise. Maybe it would be better to based out of Bangalore and then travel on short 2 week trips every month.
I can see why people do crazy things when they are unhappy, because you feel trapped in this place with no escape.
I was listening to the below song and I guess there is no way to get a point like that anymore. I think those emotions of pure happiness only come with your first love.
I would like to be like my cousin brother, Venu, and work 30 years and be a responsible dad and husband. But there is no way I can do that, I feel such a sense of unhappiness and I think in the long run there is nobody to blame except for myself.
I did ask Srinu to look for a place for me in Lavelle Rd, in UB city, and I will likely move there in December and I will make all future plans based on how I feel and day by day. I guess I can get away being irresponsible for another 2 year, until Priya starts school at which point I have to settle down some where.
I can see my bad attitude is starting to effect my work and I have not been nearly as dedicated as I used to be. I would never want my employees effected by my unhappiness so from January 1, 2015, Upendra will be taking over my role while I take a break. I hope this break will re-energize me and I can return a much happier person.
